your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device

Asshole passenger who refuses to turn off cell phone brings down airliner.

Dipshit heard telling others, “If having your cell phone on could make us crash they wouldn’t even let you bring them on the plane.”

 

OMAHA, NEBRASKA (Neuters) – Described by fellow passengers as “that asshole,” Omaha native David Putney caused the crash of SW Airlines Flight 298 shortly after takeoff from Eppley Airfield by deliberately not turning off his cell phone as politely instructed by flight attendants.  Letting all those around him know that his business was far more important than the safety of the other 136 souls on board, he was heard telling an associate over his phone that, “it makes me laugh how stupid everyone is to think a cell phone could cause a plane crash.  No, let’s finish this conversation, it won’t matter.”  Moments later during its climb-out the plane experienced complete engine failure on both sides and only through the heroic efforts of flight Captain William “Billy” Billenberger was complete disaster averted.  Billenberger managed to set the plane on its belly just outside of the Omaha suburb Belleview where it slid to a stop and narrowly averted gas pumps at a local convenience store.

"Nice job, Dipshit."

All passengers on board escaped injury from the crash, although Putney was treated at a local hospital for wounds he suffered in the aftermath as outraged passengers beat the living bejesus out of him.

“That stupid turd,” exclaimed Scott Graham, a passenger in seat 15C directly behind Putney.  “He’s such a stinking pile to have chanced such a thing.  The link between cell phones and airplane failure is as well established as power lines and brain cancer.  I hope he steps in dog poo on his way to work tomorrow.”

Similar sentiments were expressed by flight attendant Miranda Gilbert, who was sitting in the jumpseat and planning the in-flight beverage service at the time of the mishap.  “As soon as this human fecal matter walked onto the airplane I knew something was wrong.  He couldn’t resist making a joke about how he ‘was seated in first class and would I please bring him a dry martini.’  Har, har – if I only had a dime.  Everyone knows we don’t have a first class section."  She balled her fists and continued, “He seemed just the type to cause this sort of accident.  I hope his wounds get infected.”

The National Transportation Safety Board concluded its investigation into the cause of the crash in under 39 minutes after discussions with those on board – a record for speed in closing this type of case.  Lead investigator Drayggo Flores indicated that there was no need to even check the flight data recorders from the plane.  “When we arrived at the scene the butt-head Putney still had his phone on and by the small amount of battery time left we could easily calculate that it was on during the critical take-off phase of the flight.  That’s all we needed to make a definitive determination.  Mr Putney is indeed a dipshit and deserved all the flogging he got.”

Convenience store owners Ray and Ethyl Chevron offered free Big Gulps and beef jerky to the passengers during rescue operations, except for Putney.  He was only offered a small bag of pork rinds and water from their mop bucket.  “More than that shit-for-brains deserves, if you ask me,” exclaimed Ethyl.  “Besides, them pork rinds been on the shelf since two Februarys ago and I don’t think they’re ever gonna sell.”

the many faces of vladimir putin

"I can't believe the view out of my window!"

"Anyone wanna hit the slopes?"

"I cannot wait for the separation surgery."

"Cuddles is my only fwiend."

"Stop staring at my zit."

"Sometimes I feel only four feet tall."

"Ignition interlocks are such a pain."

"Demons be GONE!"

"And now let's hear from a member
of our studio audience."

"Uh oh, I think I left the teakettle on."

"Watch this.  My George Bush impression
is killer."

"These, or the Elton John ones?"

"These, definitely."

"I'm almost twice as tall as this church,
and yet i am sad."

"I am the Schwarzenegger of fishing."

"I TOLD you to stop staring at my zit!"

"Aiunt Bea says I gotta get a
haircut or I don't get no pie."

"And then the duck says to the bartender, 'Got any
gwapes?'"

"I once caught a fish this big with my bare hands
and my shirt off."

"I love my new russian ear protectors with the
adjustable chin strap."

"Now keep your eyes on my right hand.  This
is such a cool trick."

"Ensign Putin, sir.  And I just threw your stinkin'
palm tree overboard!"

"Well look.  Mary Jo sent me a valentine."

"Trust me, I'm a doctor."

"I should really use more than 15 SPF."

"You want a piece
of this?"

"But there is one more thing.  Today, I'd like
to introduce you to..... the iPhone."

"It's too bad this podium is in the way.  I'm
posing like Angelina Jolie at the Oscars."

medium-rare, please

Large Hadron Collider discovers long-sought elementary particle.

CERN facility announces stunning breakthrough.

Inside the Large Hadron Collider

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND (Neuters)  In a dramatic discovery, experiments at the CERN Large Hadron Collider have unexpectedly led to the discovery of a combustion-type reaction thought by scientists to be a constituent piece of the elemental working of the universe: fire.  If so, it would be a huge leap in understanding the way the basic particles of matter interact and could lead to tremendous advances in disciplines as disparate as energy generation and cooking.  Said lead investigator Roger Jones, who works on the Atlas detector at the LHC, “We saw these brief flashes of light which were orange and flickered for a moment – mind you, only millionths of a second.  But they were consistent with most theories about the nature of fire and we believe we may have finally been able to isolate this most elementary of particles.”

The LHC is exploring some of the fundamental questions in physics by colliding proton particles together in a huge underground facility.  The resulting fracturing allows scientists to observe the very building blocks of matter.  According to Jones, “It has been known since before the time of Aristotle that the universe is made up of four elements, Earth, Air, Water and Fire.  The first three we’ve known about for centuries – easy! – but fire has been difficult to isolate.  Now that we are 90% sure we’ve actually seen it, the last gap in the Standard Model has been filled and we can move on without lingering doubts about other models which include weird things like quarks, muons, gluons and other strangeness.  Four basic elements makes a lot more sense and are certainly easier to keep track of.”  He went on to say that searches for the Higgs boson particle would cease once fire had been confirmed independently.  “The Higgs sounds cool and all, but was just a pipe dream.  Fire – now that’s awesome.”

Andy Chisolm, a PhD student who helped with the results indicated that the next trial would include the addition of small pieces of NY strip steak to determine if modern theories of cooked meat were accurate.  “There has been speculation for a long time that cooking could add flavor, richness and even make meat more palatable and safe.  I’m eager to find out if that is true.  I’ve been hankering for a thick, juicy slice of beef for a long time, and if the next trial is successful we’re all going to eat like kings.”  He was quick to add that the first experiment would only yield a few zeptograms – or a billionth of a trillionth of a gram – of actual steak, meaning that the first commercially viable steak restaurant was still many years away.

“Science is slow progress, always slow.  Right now I’m so hungry I could eat a horse, but I guess I’ll have to fill up on these Cheetohs until we can get a more stable result.”

meet the beetles

That new food coloring of yours really bugs.

Starbucks outrages vegan community with beetle shell food coloring.

Percy Lipshitz

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON (Neuters)  While making a move towards eliminating artificial ingredients in their food and drinks, Starbucks has inadvertently angered the vegan community by using red food coloring made from, well, bugs.  To find out the latest on the controversy, Neuters has deployed our own in-house conspiracy theorist/cub reporter Percy Lipshitz for an investigation.  We go to him now:

NEUTERS:  Percy, what can you tell us about the alleged use of insect parts to color Starbucks Strawberry Frappuccinos and other food items?

LIPSHITZ:  Well, man, it’s like, so whoa out there, man.  Apparently Starbucks has changed their food coloring to one using these red beetles that they grind up and put into drinks.  They pretend to be, like, all concerned about people and junk, but then they decide to make these vegan dudes eat bug parts without their knowledge, I guess just to piss them off or something.

NEUTERS:  Wait a second Percy – are you suggesting that Starbucks deliberately misled people who don’t want to eat animal products into ingesting beetle-derived food coloring?  Why would they do that?  As I understand it, this is a very common coloring used from cosmetics to food to fabric.

Cochineal Beetles

LIPSHITZ:  That’s what they WANT you to think, man.  But take my word for it, there’s nothing ordinary or unplanned about this.  It’s just like when KFC started using mutant reptiles instead of real chickens.  It’s not like you can accidentally trim the meat off a feathered lizard.  Besides, have you seen what these bugs look like?  They’re not the pretty, red scarabs that most people want you to imagine.  They’re really small, all squirmy and stuff and don’t even look red until you smash them up.  Not pretty, and not something that “accidentally” finds its way into your food, man.

NEUTERS:  I’m having a hard time following your line of reasoning here, Percy, but can you tell us anything else about the case?  Has Starbucks issued a statement regarding the issue?

LIPSHITZ:  Oh sure they have.  Like, this one higher-up dude at the home office said something about bugs being more “natural” and stuff, but you could tell from the glaze on his eyes that he was really being controlled by an implanted chip.  You know the signs, right?  Unfocused stare, appearing nervous in front of cameras, sweat on the forehead.  Sure signs of alien control.

NEUTERS:  Actually, that just sounds like anyone who’s having to handle tough questions in front of a crowd.

LIPSHITZ:  Where have you been man?  Don’t forget that the whole vegan thing is rather, well, alien to the aliens, man.  They’re bloodsucking meat eaters and wouldn’t touch a vegetable except to throw it at someone.  On that point, I guess I’d have to say I’m on the same wavelength.  I mean, why would these vegan dudes want to eat only plants?  They’re the aliens if you ask me.  Still, even for a dedicated carnivore like myself, eating bug parts is just, you know, whoa.  I once accidentally swallowed a cockroach after passing out on the couch with my mouth open.  That’s enough to make you want to lose your munchies.  Still, gotta respect the roach, if you know what I mean.  heh heh heh, heh hhhheh hhhhhhhheh…..

NEUTERS:  Not funny Percy.  Let’s get back to the story.  Has Starbucks indicated that they are going to change to other colorants so as to maintain their drinks as vegan, or will they continue to use the beetle-laced food coloring?

LIPSHITZ:  You know, man, it’s really not clear, but I’ve got a theory…

NEUTERS:  I’m sure you do.

LIPSHITZ:  …about how all this is going to go down, man.  Have you ever seen the documentary Soylent Green?  Well I think the Starbucks aliens have a sort of Soylent Pink in mind, and it’s not made of bugs, if you know what I mean.  Do NOT order a chai latte with soy, man. 

NEUTERS:  Percy, Soylent Green was not a documentary, it was a work of fiction…

LIPSHITZ:  That’s what they WANT you to think!  MAN you are so naïve, dude.

double AA rating

Uncontacted Tribe Discovered in Amazon

Dense forest, primitive technology, lack of cell coverage cited as reasons for isolation.

MANAUS, BRAZIL (Neuters)  Researchers from Brazil's Indian Protection Agency have identified a new tribe of uncontacted indigenous people in the dense rainforest of the western Amazon.  Located on a reservation near the border with Peru, it is estimated that there may be as many as 200 individuals living in primitive grass huts, growing crops and cursing their lack of cellular and broadband connections.

Grass huts and primitive cell tower.
(Copyright 2012, Neuters)

“Typically with these tribes we find that the lack of contact they have with modern society is due mostly to isolation,” said Fabricio Amorim from Brazil’s National Indian Foundation.  “However with this particular clan we have found that while remoteness is certainly a factor, they are by and large uncontacted due to extremely archaic technologies, including their use of Blackberrys and seeming ignorance of the existence of either iOS or the Android operating system.”

Based on high resolution aerial photographs the tribe’s technology has been studied in-depth by a team of researchers over several years, and they have come to some startling conclusions about just how ancient this newly discovered society is.  Says lead investigator Percy Lipshitz, “Many of these unfortunate people are using the model 850, which is barely more than a pager.  It does integrate well with existing enterprise email, sure, but still.  It’s only a monotone half-screen activated by directional arrow buttons.”  He continued, “We all learned in school that at one time all humans lived in such undeveloped societies and presumably were still able to prosper, but when you see it directly for yourself it certainly is humbling.  It will be interesting to study this tribe further and find out how they can possibly keep up with the number AA batteries that those things require.”

Spotty cell coverage in Brazil.
(Copyright 2012, Neuters)

The National Indian foundation does not plan on releasing specifics of the tribe’s location for protection of their society, and provisions are already being taken to attempt to maintain their isolation.  Even with its geographical seclusion, the expansion of Brazilian signal coverage could unintentionally provide the settlement with international news, weather and sports scores.  “The damage that could occur to their aboriginal way of life with this sort of contact is potentially devastating,” explained Amorim.  “Just the knowledge that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries were divorced only 72 days after they were married could be enough to completely wipe this unique people from the face of the earth.”

all mayan

New Mayan tablet found, alters perception of Apocalypse.

Ancient calendar spells doom for entire world – or simply some minor discomfort.

The Mayan Tortuguero Stone
(Copyright 2012, Neuters)

MEXICO CITY, MEXICO (Neuters) – In an effort to relieve the world of fears that the Mayan calendar predicts the end of the world in December of this year, Mexico’s archeology institute announced today the discovery of a second rock fragment with more complete – and less dire – predictions about the fate of the earth in 2012.

The new tablet represents the same form of the Mayan “Long Count” calendar and appears to have been carved by the same artisan immediately after the original stone that has caused so much panic.  It was created more than 1,300 years ago and on the reverse side of the new fragment is an explanation engraved by the artist indicating that this more recent work was meant to replace the first.

“Because the ancient text is written in Mayan hieroglyphics,” explains archaeologist Arturo Mendez, “an exact translation into latin languages is impossible.  But we have studied the work enough to have a good idea what was on the artist’s mind.”

Apologies for the last calendar – and especially despondent that it still got placed into the pyramid.  I told the master how hot I was under this sun, you want I should make a mistake with these hieroglyphics?  (earth) is not going to end like that last one said, but it may experience unpleasantness, perhaps some indigestion.  You should try some seltzer or perhaps chew on a fennel leaf.

In other words, it was all a typo.

The inscription goes on to bemoan the slow, painstaking work required to carve stone inscriptions and seems to predict the birth of Johannes Gutenberg.

Oy vey I should want that some smart German fellow should one day give us little metal glyphs so we could do this all on paper.  Imagine what we could accomplish with movable type and indoor offices with some air conditioning.

Not satisfied to have their belief in world destruction proven incorrect, conspiracy theorists immediately pounced on the ambiguous meaning of the word ‘unpleasantness.’  Said Percy Lipshitz, webmaster of The Unhinged Mind, a website devoted to the idea that The Ryme of the Ancient Mariner was not written by Samuel Taylor Coleridge but rather Ace Frehley, “Clearly there are some nasty goings-on that will go down this year, and the fact that this Mayan dude knew enough to change his prediction and make it more specific means he really knows, man.  It’s just like the pyramid level in Pool of Radiance where the dungeon-master releases the flock of skeletal crows on the unsuspecting villagers.  That was, like, so cool.”

the crying game

Putin cries on Kremlin steps.

Election victory speech brings on tears for Russian President-for-Life.

MOSCOW, RUSSIA (Neuters) – Last night Vladimir Putin took the stage just outside the Kremlin to claim victory in Russia’s presidential election to an audience of thousands.  The speech declaring to the world that he had been “reelected” and accepting that victory was fairly run-of-the-mill as authoritarian acceptance speeches go, except for one thing: Putin cried like Jimmy Swaggart caught in flagrante delicto with a prostitute.

Vladimir Putin practices the traditional
"Celebration of Joy."
(Copyright 2012, Neuters)

Although Russia’s state-run media has carefully hidden the reason for Putin’s tears, inside sources indicate that the following exchange was heard between Putin and his chief of staff immediately prior to the speech:

“Can you believe it, Sergei?  When we decided last week that I would win by 64 percent I told Lyudmila that she should buy me the victory present of my choice: an iPad3.  I TOLD her they would go on sale March 7, but what did she do?  Did she wait?  NO she did not.  She went out and immediately bought me one of those plastic, Rusnano pieces of crap.  Those things are not fit to swat a fly!  Do you know where they are made?  Russia!  I want Cupertino, for god’s sake!”  The despondent President then took a deep breath in an attempt to calm down.  “I just wanted an iPad, Sergei.  An iPad.  I have waited for months, it is so beautiful.  Why cannot the leader of the unfree world have one?”  He put his head in his hands, “If you prick me, do I not bleed?  If I fling incensed pigeons, do swine not die?”

It is believed the Putin was referring to the Russian competitor to the iPad, the Rusnano tablet, a device which uses an all-plastic display developed in Britain.  Early tests of the device have proven unsuccessful and the Russian Technology Agency has blamed cosmic radiation for the malfunctions.  The same reason has been given by the Russian Space Agency for the failure of a Mars probe that crashed to earth in January.

"Would it be too much to ask
someone for a hanky?"
(Copyright 2012, Neuters)

Reports indicate that Putin has remained downhearted well after the election, even into the ceremonial questioning of the election results, a typically happy tradition for the Russian state.  “Sergei, I ask you as my friend,” Putin was heard to say.  “Without my iPad how am I to know when the properly-pious claims of fraud are commenced?  How will I know when Jimmy Carter arrives to say that our vote count controls were not enough?  I do so wish to have a brewski with Mr. Carter once more.  Hearing again his story about the rabbit attack would so cheer me up!”

Relations between Vladimir and Lyudmila have reportedly been tense, with Putin allegedly disconnecting both cable and WiFi in the Kremlin residence until his iPad demands have been met.  “She thinks she is so smart with her Kindle Fire, well I will make sure to block all signals and frustrate her abilities to download the next of the Twilight series.  Russia will be victorious again!”

ham and eggs

Fighting Continues in Hams

Attacks on pig residents unabated, even as International Red Cross moves in.  Secretary of State Clinton calls for a halt to violence.

HAMS, SYRIA (Neuters) – After nearly two years of intense assaults by avian allies of President Bashar al-Batross, the international community is finally looking to take steps to save the brutalized pig population of Syria.  In Tunisia a meeting of dozens of countries is being held to discuss further sanctions against the al-Batross leadership and possible military intervention.  Secretary of State Hillary Clinton pulled no punches in declaring that “It is time for that regime to move on, to migrate to new territory.  These poor and down-trodden pigs have been plagued enough by this vicious flock.”

Avian assaults continue in the city of Hams, trapping
residents weary of the onslaught.  (Copyright 2012, Neuters)

The International Red Cross has been able to move into the city of Hams, but has been frustrated in their evacuation efforts by the continual bombardment of several bird species on the town.  The barrages are non-stop and seem designed to level every structure the unfortunate pigs can concoct to protect themselves.  “It seems to be just a game to them,” one local hog lamented.  “We have tried to protect ourselves with wood, stone and hardhats, but our buildings seem to be no match for their many tactics.  With each new barrage they seem to have more and different weapons.  We believe that the birds have even assigned points to each of us if we are killed.  It is humiliating.”

The beleaguered swine population has taken to hiding out in caves in the hills surrounding Hams, but even this has not kept the attacks at bay.  Most of the surviving cave residents show the scars of war, including dented helmets, missing legs and purple, swollen eyes.  Many are unable to support their own weight and merely roll to one side once the explosions begin.

President al-Batross

Tensions were originally raised in 2010 when al-Batross became angry over allegedly stolen eggs, those eggs now long since destroyed in the carnage.  “We merely wanted to eat,” said one resident of Hams.  “The eggs were not fertilized and seemed a natural source of nourishment.  It’s not like they were made of gold – they were just eggs.”

It is not known why the international community has taken so long to notice the pigs’ plight and solidify into a universal denouncement of the al-Batross regime.  The Friends of Syria conference in Tunisia seems to be a sign that the world is finally taking the issue seriously.  Said one conference delegate, “We are confident that this solidarity of nations can bring the dictator down.  We have discussed many ways to apply pressure on him, including the cutting off his source of funds by refusing to buy any of the birds’ merchandising and add-ons, particularly the Mighty Eagle.  I personally am stuck at level 17-8 and think I may have had enough of this.”