double AA rating

Uncontacted Tribe Discovered in Amazon

Dense forest, primitive technology, lack of cell coverage cited as reasons for isolation.

MANAUS, BRAZIL (Neuters)  Researchers from Brazil's Indian Protection Agency have identified a new tribe of uncontacted indigenous people in the dense rainforest of the western Amazon.  Located on a reservation near the border with Peru, it is estimated that there may be as many as 200 individuals living in primitive grass huts, growing crops and cursing their lack of cellular and broadband connections.

Grass huts and primitive cell tower.
(Copyright 2012, Neuters)

“Typically with these tribes we find that the lack of contact they have with modern society is due mostly to isolation,” said Fabricio Amorim from Brazil’s National Indian Foundation.  “However with this particular clan we have found that while remoteness is certainly a factor, they are by and large uncontacted due to extremely archaic technologies, including their use of Blackberrys and seeming ignorance of the existence of either iOS or the Android operating system.”

Based on high resolution aerial photographs the tribe’s technology has been studied in-depth by a team of researchers over several years, and they have come to some startling conclusions about just how ancient this newly discovered society is.  Says lead investigator Percy Lipshitz, “Many of these unfortunate people are using the model 850, which is barely more than a pager.  It does integrate well with existing enterprise email, sure, but still.  It’s only a monotone half-screen activated by directional arrow buttons.”  He continued, “We all learned in school that at one time all humans lived in such undeveloped societies and presumably were still able to prosper, but when you see it directly for yourself it certainly is humbling.  It will be interesting to study this tribe further and find out how they can possibly keep up with the number AA batteries that those things require.”

Spotty cell coverage in Brazil.
(Copyright 2012, Neuters)

The National Indian foundation does not plan on releasing specifics of the tribe’s location for protection of their society, and provisions are already being taken to attempt to maintain their isolation.  Even with its geographical seclusion, the expansion of Brazilian signal coverage could unintentionally provide the settlement with international news, weather and sports scores.  “The damage that could occur to their aboriginal way of life with this sort of contact is potentially devastating,” explained Amorim.  “Just the knowledge that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries were divorced only 72 days after they were married could be enough to completely wipe this unique people from the face of the earth.”