medium-rare, please

Large Hadron Collider discovers long-sought elementary particle.

CERN facility announces stunning breakthrough.

Inside the Large Hadron Collider

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND (Neuters)  In a dramatic discovery, experiments at the CERN Large Hadron Collider have unexpectedly led to the discovery of a combustion-type reaction thought by scientists to be a constituent piece of the elemental working of the universe: fire.  If so, it would be a huge leap in understanding the way the basic particles of matter interact and could lead to tremendous advances in disciplines as disparate as energy generation and cooking.  Said lead investigator Roger Jones, who works on the Atlas detector at the LHC, “We saw these brief flashes of light which were orange and flickered for a moment – mind you, only millionths of a second.  But they were consistent with most theories about the nature of fire and we believe we may have finally been able to isolate this most elementary of particles.”

The LHC is exploring some of the fundamental questions in physics by colliding proton particles together in a huge underground facility.  The resulting fracturing allows scientists to observe the very building blocks of matter.  According to Jones, “It has been known since before the time of Aristotle that the universe is made up of four elements, Earth, Air, Water and Fire.  The first three we’ve known about for centuries – easy! – but fire has been difficult to isolate.  Now that we are 90% sure we’ve actually seen it, the last gap in the Standard Model has been filled and we can move on without lingering doubts about other models which include weird things like quarks, muons, gluons and other strangeness.  Four basic elements makes a lot more sense and are certainly easier to keep track of.”  He went on to say that searches for the Higgs boson particle would cease once fire had been confirmed independently.  “The Higgs sounds cool and all, but was just a pipe dream.  Fire – now that’s awesome.”

Andy Chisolm, a PhD student who helped with the results indicated that the next trial would include the addition of small pieces of NY strip steak to determine if modern theories of cooked meat were accurate.  “There has been speculation for a long time that cooking could add flavor, richness and even make meat more palatable and safe.  I’m eager to find out if that is true.  I’ve been hankering for a thick, juicy slice of beef for a long time, and if the next trial is successful we’re all going to eat like kings.”  He was quick to add that the first experiment would only yield a few zeptograms – or a billionth of a trillionth of a gram – of actual steak, meaning that the first commercially viable steak restaurant was still many years away.

“Science is slow progress, always slow.  Right now I’m so hungry I could eat a horse, but I guess I’ll have to fill up on these Cheetohs until we can get a more stable result.”