Large Hadron Collider discovers long-sought
elementary particle.
CERN facility announces
stunning breakthrough.
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| Inside the Large Hadron Collider |
GENEVA,
SWITZERLAND (Neuters) In a
dramatic discovery, experiments at the CERN Large Hadron Collider have
unexpectedly led to the discovery of a combustion-type reaction thought by
scientists to be a constituent piece of the elemental working of the universe:
fire. If so, it would be a huge
leap in understanding the way the basic particles of matter interact and could
lead to tremendous advances in disciplines as disparate as energy generation
and cooking. Said lead
investigator Roger Jones, who works on the Atlas detector at the LHC, “We saw
these brief flashes of light which were orange and flickered for a moment –
mind you, only millionths of a second.
But they were consistent with most theories about the nature of fire and
we believe we may have finally been able to isolate this most elementary of
particles.”
The LHC
is exploring some of the fundamental questions in physics by colliding proton
particles together in a huge underground facility. The resulting fracturing allows scientists to observe the
very building blocks of matter.
According to Jones, “It has been known since before the time of
Aristotle that the universe is made up of four elements, Earth, Air, Water and
Fire. The first three we’ve known
about for centuries – easy! – but fire has been difficult to isolate. Now that we are 90% sure we’ve actually
seen it, the last gap in the Standard Model has been filled and we can move on
without lingering doubts about other models which include weird things like
quarks, muons, gluons and other strangeness. Four basic elements makes a lot more sense and are certainly
easier to keep track of.” He went
on to say that searches for the Higgs boson particle would cease once fire had
been confirmed independently. “The
Higgs sounds cool and all, but was just a pipe dream. Fire – now that’s awesome.”
Andy
Chisolm, a PhD student who helped with the results indicated that the next
trial would include the addition of small pieces of NY strip steak to
determine if modern theories of cooked meat were accurate. “There has been speculation for a long
time that cooking could add flavor, richness and even make meat more palatable
and safe. I’m eager to find out if
that is true. I’ve been hankering
for a thick, juicy slice of beef for a long time, and if the next trial is
successful we’re all going to eat like kings.” He was quick to add that the first experiment would only yield
a few zeptograms – or a billionth of a trillionth of a gram – of actual steak,
meaning that the first commercially viable steak restaurant was still many
years away.
“Science
is slow progress, always slow.
Right now I’m so hungry I could eat a horse, but I guess I’ll have to
fill up on these Cheetohs until we can get a more stable result.”
