double AA rating

Uncontacted Tribe Discovered in Amazon

Dense forest, primitive technology, lack of cell coverage cited as reasons for isolation.

MANAUS, BRAZIL (Neuters)  Researchers from Brazil's Indian Protection Agency have identified a new tribe of uncontacted indigenous people in the dense rainforest of the western Amazon.  Located on a reservation near the border with Peru, it is estimated that there may be as many as 200 individuals living in primitive grass huts, growing crops and cursing their lack of cellular and broadband connections.

Grass huts and primitive cell tower.
(Copyright 2012, Neuters)

“Typically with these tribes we find that the lack of contact they have with modern society is due mostly to isolation,” said Fabricio Amorim from Brazil’s National Indian Foundation.  “However with this particular clan we have found that while remoteness is certainly a factor, they are by and large uncontacted due to extremely archaic technologies, including their use of Blackberrys and seeming ignorance of the existence of either iOS or the Android operating system.”

Based on high resolution aerial photographs the tribe’s technology has been studied in-depth by a team of researchers over several years, and they have come to some startling conclusions about just how ancient this newly discovered society is.  Says lead investigator Percy Lipshitz, “Many of these unfortunate people are using the model 850, which is barely more than a pager.  It does integrate well with existing enterprise email, sure, but still.  It’s only a monotone half-screen activated by directional arrow buttons.”  He continued, “We all learned in school that at one time all humans lived in such undeveloped societies and presumably were still able to prosper, but when you see it directly for yourself it certainly is humbling.  It will be interesting to study this tribe further and find out how they can possibly keep up with the number AA batteries that those things require.”

Spotty cell coverage in Brazil.
(Copyright 2012, Neuters)

The National Indian foundation does not plan on releasing specifics of the tribe’s location for protection of their society, and provisions are already being taken to attempt to maintain their isolation.  Even with its geographical seclusion, the expansion of Brazilian signal coverage could unintentionally provide the settlement with international news, weather and sports scores.  “The damage that could occur to their aboriginal way of life with this sort of contact is potentially devastating,” explained Amorim.  “Just the knowledge that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries were divorced only 72 days after they were married could be enough to completely wipe this unique people from the face of the earth.”

all mayan

New Mayan tablet found, alters perception of Apocalypse.

Ancient calendar spells doom for entire world – or simply some minor discomfort.

The Mayan Tortuguero Stone
(Copyright 2012, Neuters)

MEXICO CITY, MEXICO (Neuters) – In an effort to relieve the world of fears that the Mayan calendar predicts the end of the world in December of this year, Mexico’s archeology institute announced today the discovery of a second rock fragment with more complete – and less dire – predictions about the fate of the earth in 2012.

The new tablet represents the same form of the Mayan “Long Count” calendar and appears to have been carved by the same artisan immediately after the original stone that has caused so much panic.  It was created more than 1,300 years ago and on the reverse side of the new fragment is an explanation engraved by the artist indicating that this more recent work was meant to replace the first.

“Because the ancient text is written in Mayan hieroglyphics,” explains archaeologist Arturo Mendez, “an exact translation into latin languages is impossible.  But we have studied the work enough to have a good idea what was on the artist’s mind.”

Apologies for the last calendar – and especially despondent that it still got placed into the pyramid.  I told the master how hot I was under this sun, you want I should make a mistake with these hieroglyphics?  (earth) is not going to end like that last one said, but it may experience unpleasantness, perhaps some indigestion.  You should try some seltzer or perhaps chew on a fennel leaf.

In other words, it was all a typo.

The inscription goes on to bemoan the slow, painstaking work required to carve stone inscriptions and seems to predict the birth of Johannes Gutenberg.

Oy vey I should want that some smart German fellow should one day give us little metal glyphs so we could do this all on paper.  Imagine what we could accomplish with movable type and indoor offices with some air conditioning.

Not satisfied to have their belief in world destruction proven incorrect, conspiracy theorists immediately pounced on the ambiguous meaning of the word ‘unpleasantness.’  Said Percy Lipshitz, webmaster of The Unhinged Mind, a website devoted to the idea that The Ryme of the Ancient Mariner was not written by Samuel Taylor Coleridge but rather Ace Frehley, “Clearly there are some nasty goings-on that will go down this year, and the fact that this Mayan dude knew enough to change his prediction and make it more specific means he really knows, man.  It’s just like the pyramid level in Pool of Radiance where the dungeon-master releases the flock of skeletal crows on the unsuspecting villagers.  That was, like, so cool.”

the crying game

Putin cries on Kremlin steps.

Election victory speech brings on tears for Russian President-for-Life.

MOSCOW, RUSSIA (Neuters) – Last night Vladimir Putin took the stage just outside the Kremlin to claim victory in Russia’s presidential election to an audience of thousands.  The speech declaring to the world that he had been “reelected” and accepting that victory was fairly run-of-the-mill as authoritarian acceptance speeches go, except for one thing: Putin cried like Jimmy Swaggart caught in flagrante delicto with a prostitute.

Vladimir Putin practices the traditional
"Celebration of Joy."
(Copyright 2012, Neuters)

Although Russia’s state-run media has carefully hidden the reason for Putin’s tears, inside sources indicate that the following exchange was heard between Putin and his chief of staff immediately prior to the speech:

“Can you believe it, Sergei?  When we decided last week that I would win by 64 percent I told Lyudmila that she should buy me the victory present of my choice: an iPad3.  I TOLD her they would go on sale March 7, but what did she do?  Did she wait?  NO she did not.  She went out and immediately bought me one of those plastic, Rusnano pieces of crap.  Those things are not fit to swat a fly!  Do you know where they are made?  Russia!  I want Cupertino, for god’s sake!”  The despondent President then took a deep breath in an attempt to calm down.  “I just wanted an iPad, Sergei.  An iPad.  I have waited for months, it is so beautiful.  Why cannot the leader of the unfree world have one?”  He put his head in his hands, “If you prick me, do I not bleed?  If I fling incensed pigeons, do swine not die?”

It is believed the Putin was referring to the Russian competitor to the iPad, the Rusnano tablet, a device which uses an all-plastic display developed in Britain.  Early tests of the device have proven unsuccessful and the Russian Technology Agency has blamed cosmic radiation for the malfunctions.  The same reason has been given by the Russian Space Agency for the failure of a Mars probe that crashed to earth in January.

"Would it be too much to ask
someone for a hanky?"
(Copyright 2012, Neuters)

Reports indicate that Putin has remained downhearted well after the election, even into the ceremonial questioning of the election results, a typically happy tradition for the Russian state.  “Sergei, I ask you as my friend,” Putin was heard to say.  “Without my iPad how am I to know when the properly-pious claims of fraud are commenced?  How will I know when Jimmy Carter arrives to say that our vote count controls were not enough?  I do so wish to have a brewski with Mr. Carter once more.  Hearing again his story about the rabbit attack would so cheer me up!”

Relations between Vladimir and Lyudmila have reportedly been tense, with Putin allegedly disconnecting both cable and WiFi in the Kremlin residence until his iPad demands have been met.  “She thinks she is so smart with her Kindle Fire, well I will make sure to block all signals and frustrate her abilities to download the next of the Twilight series.  Russia will be victorious again!”